The Trap of Perfectionism, Performance and Self Hatred

June 28th, 2022

By: David Hoskins

Having grown up an athlete I know what it means to train and buffet my body and my mind toward excellence.

One of the methods I used to motivate myself toward excellence was to intensely hate my mistakes and failures. Sounds relatively harmless but in actuality I was beginning a journey toward self hatred and undue stress. Let me explain.

The more I hated making mistakes, the more it conditioned me toward excellence. The problem came in when that hatred of making mistakes turned into self hatred.

Many and most times in dealing with my mistakes I would get angry and display anger toward myself. I would say things like, you’re so stupid, what an idiot, you stupid idiot. I also at times would slap the back of my head to punish myself for the dumb thing I did. Not a pretty sight but very effective in reducing my errors.

I remember playing basketball and football games where as a team we would win but I would still be angry with myself for individual errors I had made. My need to punish myself was so strong that it would keep me from celebrating the win with the team.

Self hatred is a very powerful motivator as is all fear. At a young age what began to be entrenched in me was the fear of failure and the fear of making a mistake. These fears did not keep me from taking risks because the adventure in me wanted more but the fear had a way of stealing my joy and stirring my anxiety.

Fear is one of the strongest motivators out there and it comes at a price. Perfectionism creates a skewed or warped perspective of success. For the person with self hatred issues, every blemish, every mistake and every failure becomes so hideous that they stress over it reliving it over and over in their minds to keep it from ever happening again.

The pattern goes like this.

1. Think about mistake

2. Relive mistake

3. Punish yourself

4. Make changes

5. Think about mistake

6. Relive mistake

7. Punish yourself

This cycle has caused many a good person to self medicate creating addictions of escape and retreat. There is a better way.

Looking at the cycle above it is easy to get the picture.

The perfectionist believes that if you can hate making the mistake enough then maybe it will never happen again. Making an error becomes absolutely unacceptable. Failure becomes your nemesis as each mistake is magnified out of proportion in order to motivate you toward excellence. I can still remember the days when one missed shot or bad pass could mess up my whole day.

Self hatred became toxic to me as it sought to steal the very life out of life relegating me to performance alone. The amount of anxiety I would carry over each mistake had a way of sending me into a pressure cooker of stress. Either perform well or suffer the anxiety of imperfection.

This mechanism of self-hatred and perfectionism helped me to become the top athlete in all of my fields but it was very destructive to me as a person. The toll that this viscious cycle took on my mind, body and soul was considerable as I allowed anger-hatred-depression to cycle through my emotions daily.

I had to learn how to find a new path forward, one with different motivations, one with a different objective. one that would deliver me from the stress I was living.

Several shifts needed to take place in my life which helped to get me into a healthier state emotionally. I hope these practical shifts can help you as well. If you are dealing with these issues, please know that God is near and ready to meet you where you are.

Conscious shifts needed In dealing with self hatred and perfectionism

1. allow yourself to make a mistake without beating yourself up.

2. forgive yourself quickly when you fail

3. embrace failure as a valuable part of the process and the journey

4. measure success properly as God measures it.

5. Understand that God looks at our faithfulness and simple obedience more than us accomplishing our objective

6. Choose to love yourself as God loves you regardless of your short comings.

7. Shift from performing for others and God to walking in simple obedience with Holy Spirit knowing that He is there to comfort, console and direct us in the way we should go.

Every act of self hatred is sin.

Choose to love yourself today. The Father desires to encourage and strengthen you in the midst of your mistakes and failures as much as celebrating your wins with you when you are victorious. Know that the journey is much more fun when you give yourself a break and walk it out with Holy Spirit. Every mistake we make is an opportunity for us to experience the grace and the mercy of God. Let the performance go and let it be replaced with relationship. Every point of challenge becomes an opportunity to walk deeper with Holy Spirit. You are not in this alone. The Lord desires to walk with you especially through the hard times.

Having an excellent spirit and being thorough is a good thing but let it be motivated by love and a desire to do things God’s way.

Reject perfectionism and pursuit simple obedience as you walk it out with Holy Spirit.

Let Him be large and in charge of the outcome.

Your success is more tied to how you walk things out with Him than it is with reaching your objective.

It is probably time to stop and smell the roses with Father God. He is not looking to spend His life with slaves. He is looking for sons and daughters who will walk with Him in the coolness of the day, those who will confide in Him and lean on Him for all. It is not about what we can do for God. It is about us walking with Him.

One of the most empowering things a person can do is lay their failures on the table with God and allow the Father to minister to them. God is not offended with our mistakes. He is more likely endeared to us when we share those things with Him and walk it out with Him, because it is an opportunity for our growth and development in Him. We were never meant to walk this thing called life alone. Immanuel “God with us”. God desires to be a true Dad to us in times of loss, grief and disappointment. Our job is to let Him.

Doing something for God is ten times harder than doing it with Him.

Time to get off of the gerbil wheel of self hatred, performance and perfectionism. Rest the legs a bit and let God take over.